Nickels

I like nickels and I have a lot of them. I don’t know why, I just do, but I like real nickels. Of course, even real nickels are not really made of nickel. Today’s nickel is about 75% copper. Nickels have been made from various metals over the years. Some nickels were, and still are, made of wood!
A wooden nickel was the same size as a nickel, but, as the name implies, they were made from wood, not metal. Therefore, a wooden nickel had no value as currency. The old idiom, don’t take any wooden nickels, simply means, don’t be fooled by something that isn’t really what it appears to be. But why not?  I’d take all the wooden nickels I could get. I love nickels.  
Most wooden nickels were made as promotional tokens to be redeemed in various retail stores. Others were made to commemorate certain historical, or special events. For example, in 1979 a wooden nickel was allegedly distributed to celebrate the 10th anniversary of Apollo 11.
Apollo 11 was the mission that carried astronauts Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin, Michael Collins, and of course, Neil Armstrong, to the moon. Armstrong reported the lunar module had successfully landed on the moon’s surface and coined the popular phrase: "The Eagle has landed." Being the first man to walk on the moon, Armstong made the famous statement, “That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." There were some very cool things that came from the Apollo 11 mission; no wonder they made a commemorative wooden nickel for the anniversary. Some would say the wooden nickel was very appropriate for the occasion because not everyone believes that Armstrong’s first moonwalk ever happened. Now that would be a big wooden nickel, if it proved to be true.
Some folks claim the whole video of the first moon walk was nothing more than a Hollywood production, a spoof on the public. Conspiracy theorists say NASA orchestrated the hoax to claim winning the space race. Other say it was a government plot diverting attention from the war in Vietnam. Whether the moon walk happened or not, there was indeed a wooden nickel made. As a matter of fact, I read an online article saying that an Apollo 11, 10th Anniversary wooden nickel was sold for $600. Well, that would certainly discredit the idea that a wooden nickel has no real value. I wanted to know more about these nickels, so I checked eBay.
I never found an Apollo 11, 10th Anniversary wooden nickel listed, but I found several other Apollo 11 wooden coins starting at $2.50. Maybe I should buy them all and sell them to the guy who thinks the coin is worth $600. The Apollo wooden nickel is not the only one that caused skepticism in my mind.
The same article claimed, “The Buffalo Wood Nickel of 1926, which imitates the metal-based Buffalo nickel, was auctioned for $322,000.” Holy smokes! I have a lot of nickels at home, maybe I should look through my stash for such a coin. Or is this claim just another wooden nickel? Although I have many nickels, none of them are wooden. I’m not sure when or where I acquired my fondness for nickels, but it has been around longer than any of my three daughters.
“I’ll give you a nickel if you…” – fill in the blank. I don’t believe I’m the one who coined the phrase, (pun intended) nor do I know its origins, but my daughters grew up hearing me say this. “Sydney, I’ll give you a nickel if you hand me my hammer,” Or, “Delaney, I’ll give you a nickel if you bring me a glass of water,” Or, “Annie, I’ll give you a nickel if you bring me the Scoth tape.” I used this line quite often to coax them into doing me a favor, and I still say it today. But my daughters have long since caught on to me.
If one of my kids should hear me say to another person, “I’ll give you a nickel if you….” They quickly jump in to warn that person, “Get the nickel in advance because he won’t pay!” I used to deny their allegations, but as I grew older, I finally came to admit they were correct. I don’t give nickels to anyone. But, that’s not to say I cheat them out of their fee.
Even if a person asks for their well-earned nickel, I won’t give them a nickel. I’ll give them five pennies, or a dime (if they have change.) I’ll even give them a quarter, or a dollar, but they are not getting a nickel from me. No siree. My nickels are going home into a jar on my dresser.  This obsession with nickels has intensified worse over the years.
When paying my bill with cash at a restaurant, or a store, I found myself manipulating the change to get more nickels, even if I had the correct change. For example, say my bill was $18.24, I would give the cashier paper bills, and 29¢ to get a nickel back. But that doesn’t always work.
The other day, my bill at McDonald’s was $11.06. I gave the kid a twenty, a single dollar bill, a dime and one penny. (I had plenty of nickels, I could have given him a nickel and a penny, but this way I would get another nickel back.) The kid handed me a ten-dollar bill, and five pennies. “Excuse me,” I said as he offered my change. “Can I have a nickel instead of all those pennies?”
“I’m sorry,” he replied. “I’m out of nickels in my drawer.” He must have noticed all the nickels in my hand when I poked through my change because he had to nerve to say, “I’d buy some nickels from you if you want to get rid of them.”
I smiled. “You’re not getting any of my nickels, kid.” It might have sounded childish on my part, but I didn’t care. Nobody gets a nickel from me. I took my Happy Meal and went to my seat.
When gas prices were skyrocketing a few years ago, I coined an original phrase: “That’ll be 35¢, I’m saving up for a tank of gas.” This did not replace my nickel bribes I use both lines. Everything is 35¢ or I’m not doin’ it!
When we have a guest over for dinner, at the end of the meal I will tell them, “That’ll be 35¢. I’m saving up for a tank of gas.” When a friend needed a light switch change, I told her, “That’ll be 35¢, ma’am. I’m saving up for a tank of gas.” One day, the wind blew the neighbor’s trash can down the street. I carried it back to his yard, “That’ll be 35¢, Gene. I’m saving up for a tank of gas.” 
“How much does it cost to fill your gas tank,” my wife asked.
“Usually around $70. Why?”
She quickly did the math in her head. “You’ll have to do 200 jobs to get one tank of gas,” she said.
“Wow, that’s a lot,” I said. “I might have to raise my price to 40¢.” But I’ve never believed in gouging the little guy in difficult economic times.
One snowy Sunday morning, I gave two ladies a ride to church. “That’ll be 35¢, a piece,” I said to them. “I’m saving up for a tank of gas.” After mass, the three of us went to breakfast and Bonnie paid for our meals. Her example of generosity and kindness got me. I was humbled and began feeling very generous and giving myself. I didn’t even charge them for the ride back home!
Silver Bay’s forecast was calling for heavy snow while Aunt Di was going to be out of town. “I’ll snow blow your drive after the big snow, and then I’ll clear the drifts before you return,” I told her, and then added, “That’ll be 35¢, Ma’am. EACH. I’m saving up for a tank of gas.”
“Put it on my bill,” Aunt Di retorted. We shared a good laugh about that. Sometimes this line would backfire on me.
One time when Di was already going to Duluth, I asked her to stop at the store and bring me a block of Dubliner Cheese. Di came to our house that night for dinner. “You owe me $5.95 for the cheese,” she said. “Plus 35¢ for delivery!” Can you believe the nerve of that woman! We had a good laugh about that.
Truth be known, just as I’ve never given anyone the nickel I’d promised, I’ve never collected 35¢ for any good deed. Until last week.
I was having morning coffee in Ottumwa with my friends David and Dorothy. Dorothy was a very loyal listener of our morning show back when I was still in the radio business. She brought me a cup of coffee, served in a radio station cup. “You gave me this cup a whole lot of years ago,” she said. “And I still have it.”
“That cup wasn’t free,” I declared. “That’ll be 35¢, Dorothy. I’m saving up for a tank of gas.” We shared a good laugh about that, until I noticed seven nickels lying on the table. I scooped them up and dropped them into my pocket. “And I thank you kindly for your payment, ma’am.”
We were having a good laugh about that. Then Dorothy said to David, “Tom and his darn nickels. If I got the nickel for every time he promised me a nickel to do something, we’d be rich, David!” It was a good morning with friends and good coffee, but it was also time to get to work. As I stood up, I asked Dorothy if she wanted her 35¢ back. “You're darn right I do, mister! You’re not charging me for a cup you gave me as a prize.” I reached in my pocket and gave Dorothy a quarter, instead of her original nickels. Nobody gets a nickel from me; not even if it’s a nickel I swiped from them.
Despite my attempt to heist her nickels, Dorothy asked if I wanted to join her and David for dinner that evening.
The subject of nickels came up again after we ate. “I swear, sometimes my mind is slipping,” I said. “Did I return your 35¢ this morning?”
“You gave me a quarter,” Dorothy said. “You still owe me two nickels.”
I apologized. “I certainly did not mean to short-change a good friend, by two nickels,” I said while reaching into my pocket. I pulled out a hand full of change, poked through the nickels with my index finger, and then handed Dorothy a dime.