The ThermoMaven F-1 Turbo

​Over the years, I have owned several different canoes. I bought my first when I was in my early twenties. It was a used, red Coleman-brand canoe with two paddles, I got it for a mere $40. Used Coleman canoes usually sold for over $100. I was so excited when I bought my canoe on that beautiful spring day that I failed to notice the red duct tape on the lower right side near the floor. As a matter of fact, I didn't notice the duct tape until my feet were getting wet on our maiden voyage. What a bummer!
I took the canoe home, removed the red duct tape, and revealed a two-inch gaping hole. I guess that didn't bother me so much, as I did not notice the same hole inside the canoe. (Red tape on a tan interior.) I cleaned the side of the canoe with lacquer thinner and covered it again with regular grey duct tape. (I was clean out of red.) But I was smarter than the snake oil salesman who sold me the watercraft; he applied his duct tape vertically.
First, I applied duct tape vertically over the hole. Then, a second layer horizontally to streamline as the boat passed through the water. Pretty clever. The tape worked well for about thirty minutes in the water, and then my first mate (my dog Harry) said, "Dad, I'm getting wet." Time for a new plan, and I had an idea.
I loaded the canoe into the back of my car: A 1970 Chevy Impala Kingswood Estate station wagon with real (fake) wood siding. With the seats down, the canoe would go in the back with only about six or seven feet hanging over the tailgate. I secured the canoe by tying it to the luggage rack on the car and fastened a red flag to the bow. I drove the canoe to Wapello County Tire to see my friend Gary Coberly.
I told Gary about the duct tape repair and that it didn't work. "Duct tape will never hold water," Gary said.
"Yes, I know that now," I replied. "So, what if your tire guy put a rubber tire patch over the whole?"
"I don't think it will hold," Gary answered.
"I considered that," I continued. "But what if we put a patch on the inside first and then another on the outside?"
Gary was understandably skeptical. "I guess you can try it, but I don't think it will work."   
The tire guy agreed with Gary. "I don't think it will work," Todd said, "but it's worth a try." Todd didn't have a patch large enough to cover the hole, so he made two round patches from an old innertube. Each patch was large enough to overlap the hole by two inches. When Todd finished the repair, it sure seemed like the patch would hold.
I went into the office to ask Gary how much I owed him for the repair. "Take it out and try it," Gary said. "And if you don't drown when the canoe sinks, come back and pay me nine dollars." We shared a good laugh about that.
Harry and I launched the canoe in the largest lagoon in Ottumwa Park. We went fishing for two or three hours, and the patch was as water-tight as a frog's ears. (That's not exactly how the old saying goes, but you get the point.)
The following day, I went to see Gary for two reasons: 1) to prove I was still alive and 2) to pay him the nine bucks I owed. Todd had successfully repaired the hole; the only problem was that it looked hideous, with a big black rubber patch on the red paint. Now that I knew the patch would hold, I began addressing the appearance.
I went to O'Hara Hardware and bought two small cans of spray paint: red for the outside and tan for the inside. In my blissfully naive youth, I didn't realize there were so many different shades of red and tan, but it still looked better than the black circles.
Harry and I enjoyed fishing in the canoe through the summer months. By fall, the patch was coming loose at the edges, allowing water to seep into the boat again.
I placed an ad in the Wapello County Shopper, "Coleman canoe in excellent condition other than the big hole in the side. $25."
A man showed up at my house and examined the canoe's hole. "Will you take $15," he asked. I quickly added the numbers: $40 for the canoe, $2 for duct tape, $9 for the patch, and $3 for paint. $51 total.
"How about $20," I countered. The man handed me a twenty, and I helped him load the canoe into the back of his pickup.
Over the next few years, I saw the man on occasion. He still had the canoe; he repaired the side properly with fiberglass and painted the whole canoe green; it looked very sharp! I only lost $31 on the old canoe, which was a good deal considering I used the canoe all summer long. I kept the paddles worth at least another $20; I would use them for my next canoe. But the next canoe was a long time in coming.
I bought a new Kawasaki Jet Ski and several different fishing boats with motors and oars. The paddles sat in the garage – until I met my wife, Melissa.
Melissa appreciated nature and the outdoors as much as I did. We were dating only briefly before I bought an orange Coleman canoe. My old paddles were in the water once again.
On one of my most memorable dates with Melissa, we went to Lake Wapello. We paddled the canoe around the lake, enjoyed the scenery, and cast a few lines into the water. After fishing for a while, we enjoyed a nice picnic I had packed, then paddled to watch the sunset. It was a lot of fun.
We enjoyed canoeing and soon upgraded to a brand-new 16' green Wenonah canoe. We looked at it together, and I bought it for Melissa's 30th birthday. She named the canoe The Green Pearl – a take-off from Captain Jack Sparrow's pirate ship, the Black Pearl. (Pirates of the Caribbean.) I sold the orange Coleman to my brother Dan, who still has the canoe at their lake house.
Melissa and I moved to Minnesota and began paddling lakes and rivers with my Uncle John and Aunt Di. We were planning our first canoe trip into the boundary waters; the only problem with the Green Pearl was its weight; she weighed in at a hefty ninety-two pounds, which was very heavy for portaging the canoe (Carrying the boat over my head while transitioning through the woods from one lake to the next.)
Uncle John found a good deal on a used Wenonah Kevlar canoe, an eighteen-footer weighing less than 50 pounds. The Kevlar canoe was also two feet longer than the Green Pearl, making it faster in the water. We bought the canoe and have been to the boundary water a few times; each time was a thrill. We kept the Green Pearl to let people use it when they would come to visit.
In addition to the enjoyment of paddling canoes into the boundary water, the fantastic scenery, fishing, and wildlife, I also enjoyed cooking over a small, Coleman LP gas camp stove. We had some delicious meals.
Melissa and I also enjoy grilling food at home and have owned a couple of gas grills. But they were cheaper grills and only lasted a few seasons – maybe four if we were lucky. We threw away our grill when we moved to Minnesota, unsure if it would survive the move. We would buy another grill once I built a deck at our new home. Melissa wanted a good grill this time, one that would last, but they were so expensive. My wife knew what she wanted.
"A Weber Grill," I stammered. "Are you serious? Do you know how much those cost?" Melissa justified that a Weber would be cheaper in the long run because Weber grills are very well built, they last forever, and parts are still available for grills that are 30 years old. But still, the initial cost.
"We should be able to sell the Green Pearl for about the same price as a new Weber Grill," Melissa suggested. I wouldn't say I liked the idea of selling the Green Pearl. It was our first brand-new canoe, and we purchased it together as a couple. But the Green Pearl wasn't being used enough to justify keeping it either, so I agreed.
We ran an ad and sold the Green Pearl (in excellent condition, with no holes) to Owen, for almost enough to buy a new Weber Grill. Melissa wanted a green grill, but they were hard to find. Shortly after we started looking, Faron from Julie's True Value Hardware called me. "They just got three green Weber's in the warehouse in the model you want," Faron reported, "But they won't last long. Do you want me to order one for you?"
"Yes, please," I said. "But mums the words – I'm going to surprise Melissa with the new grill for her birthday."
Melissa and I were leaving town for her 36th birthday weekend of camping and canoeing. I arranged to have Faron deliver the grill to our house and put it on the new deck. "There are no steps yet," I told Faron. He assured me he could get the new Weber Grill on the deck.
When we returned home from our trip, Melissa was ecstatic to find a brand-new, shiny green Weber grill on our deck, for her birthday. Now, all I had to do was work on my grilling skills!
Over the years, I have learned the art of searing meat on the grill. I've also learned the purpose of those little round knobs on the front panel and the consequence of trying to cook meat on high from start to finish. I was getting better, but there was still much room for improvement. Finally, I bought a meat thermometer.
The meat thermometer was a great help, but difficult to use. I would probe a chicken thigh or steak, but by the time the thermometer gave me a reading, it was uncomfortably hot holding it over the grill. There had to be a better way.
I looked at thermometers that probe the meat being cooked and give a constant remote digital readout. I didn't care how many chickens got blackened or steaks charred; I was not going to lay out the kind of cash they wanted for a remote gadget.
I had seen ads for instant readout meat thermometers. I was skeptical and, again, not willing to part with a C note and a half for a meat thermometer.
One day, I saw an online advertisement for an instant thermometer priced at just $59. That got my attention. I searched for the same brand name and looked for customer reviews, which were mostly good. Of course, once you've searched for an item, you will be bombarded with advertisements for similar products.
One day, an ad appeared: a digital meat thermometer for only 39 dollars. "It must be junk," I said, but I still researched the brand for reviews. They seemed to be all good. A few days later, I saw an advertisement for the same brand: a Thermomaven F-1 Turbo for just $9.99 with free shipping! Wow! "Even if it is junk, I've wasted more money on dumber things," I said as I entered my card information. When the thermometer arrived, I couldn't wait to try it; I went to Zup’s Foods and bought ribeye steaks.
I showed the new gadget to my wife. "It's a Thermomaven F-1 Turbo," I boasted. "It will read a temperature in a half second. Melissa rolled her eyes. Hmfph. "We'll see if she's still rolling her eyes when I grill some perfect steaks!"
I checked the temperature of the cold steaks: 45°. I seasoned the meat and let it warm to room temperature, 65°. I seared the steaks and then reduced the temperature, turning them every few minutes. I checked the temperature several times while grilling the steaks, and finally removed them at 150°. I covered the steaks with tin foil, allowing them to rest. The final meat temperature was 162° - I was impressed by how the device gave me a temperature within a split second. "This thing is pretty cool," I said. The steaks were excellent! I put chicken on the grill the next night to ensure it wasn't just a fluke. Perfect chicken, too! I wanted to test the Thermomaven F-1 Turbo even more – for accuracy.
I let the cold water run for a few moments, 52°. I poured a refreshing cup of cold water; no ice was needed. Next, I heard the buzzer sound off on the dryer. I ran to the basement and probed the clothes. 177° on low heat, but the readout was slower. I adjusted the heat setting to high and rechecked the clothes after 20 minutes. The F-1 Turbo was again reading more slowly but eventually, after poking the laundry several times, it climbed to 198°. “That’s not much difference,” I concluded something must be wrong with the dryer.
Later that day, I noticed the sleeves on my flannel shirt felt a little shorter, and several pin holes were in one of my good T-shirts. Oops. I should not check the laundry, but I couldn't help myself. The wet clothes coming out of the washing machine were 63°. I was unstoppable!
I went out in the yard poking the probe into the ground about one inch; it was 68° in the morning, but by 2 p.m., the sun warmed the surface soil 72°. I checked the soil temperature in one of my potted apple trees; it was 75° and a little dry, so I would give it a drink of cool water. Water from the garden hose sitting in the sun was 138°- too hot for the apple trees, but after running for a bit, the water cooled to 62°. The apple trees appreciated the drink.
That night, Melissa was going to make a cup of tea. Once the tea kettle began whistling, I checked the steam; it was 240°, but the water poured into a cup only showed 228°. I wonder why that is? I made a cup of tea for myself using the microwave for 1:40 seconds, my water was only 167°.  Did you know popcorn can exceed 300° when cooked in a silicone popcorn maker? Man, I was on a roll!
I placed the probe under my arm; I was only 92 °, but I registered 96° under my tongue, which is about one degree lower than usual. Who's to say that the other thermometer is accurate?
Frozen fruit in the freezer was 1°, but the Bridgeman's Salter Carmel Espresso ice cream was only 14°. I wonder if that's like flooring? A ceramic tile floor will always feel colder barefoot than a wood or carpeted floor in the same house.
Our Weber grill is already ten years old, and works perfectly! Impressive. I’ve also been thoroughly impressed with my Thermomaven F-1 Turbo; I would recommend a Weber Grill, and a Thermomave F-1 Turbo one to anybody.
“What are you doing,” Melissa asked.
“I’m trying to check the inside temperature of the Weber grill when it’s in the sun, but not running.”
"Will you put that thing away?" Melissa quickly tired of me checking the temperature of everything in sight. Nova Mae and Edgar Allan have been staying closer to my wife lately. Again, I wonder why.